So, I’m sitting in the EZ chair, drinking a Key Stone Light, smoking a cigarette, eating some bbq potato chips, and watching Fox News with close caption, while Kid Rock. plays on the stereo.
I’m pretty much minding my own business, and while it’s true that it’s 11am and I’m still in my boxer shorts, it’s not because I'm lazy but only because I can be, and hey if you could be in your boxer shorts at 11am wouldn’t you be too?
So anyway the phone rings. It startles me a little, and as I jolt up some of the chips fall from the bowl resting on my belly down into the cushions of the chair, I suppose the dog will get them later. ‘Dammitt’ I say as I stub out my smoke, turn down the stereo and pick up the phone.
‘Hello.’ I say.
‘This is a call from Washington DC.’ the phone says in my ear.
‘Goddamn recordings.’ I murmur as I move to hang up.
‘This isn’t a recording, this is a human being and we represent you in Washington DC, and want to ask you a few questions.’
Reluctantly I return the phone to my ear.
‘OK, who is this specifically?’ I ask.
‘Well... Sir, I’m not at liberty to say because I don’t want to sway your answers, but rest assured that this call is being recorded and with your permission will be played back for anyone in DC who wants to hear it. Your name and address will never be asked or associated with the interview transcript because we want you to be as open and frank as possible. We are very interested in the average citizens views on some things and we have decided to choose a number at random and allow whom ever answers to sort of represent the public in general. So what do you think can you spare us a few minutes?”
‘Sure, I’ll play along.’ I answer ‘As long as you can answer one question for me.’
‘Ok, I’ll try says the voice on the phone.’
‘Is this Chuck Todd?’
I’m pretty much minding my own business, and while it’s true that it’s 11am and I’m still in my boxer shorts, it’s not because I'm lazy but only because I can be, and hey if you could be in your boxer shorts at 11am wouldn’t you be too?
So anyway the phone rings. It startles me a little, and as I jolt up some of the chips fall from the bowl resting on my belly down into the cushions of the chair, I suppose the dog will get them later. ‘Dammitt’ I say as I stub out my smoke, turn down the stereo and pick up the phone.
‘Hello.’ I say.
‘This is a call from Washington DC.’ the phone says in my ear.
‘Goddamn recordings.’ I murmur as I move to hang up.
‘This isn’t a recording, this is a human being and we represent you in Washington DC, and want to ask you a few questions.’
Reluctantly I return the phone to my ear.
‘OK, who is this specifically?’ I ask.
‘Well... Sir, I’m not at liberty to say because I don’t want to sway your answers, but rest assured that this call is being recorded and with your permission will be played back for anyone in DC who wants to hear it. Your name and address will never be asked or associated with the interview transcript because we want you to be as open and frank as possible. We are very interested in the average citizens views on some things and we have decided to choose a number at random and allow whom ever answers to sort of represent the public in general. So what do you think can you spare us a few minutes?”
‘Sure, I’ll play along.’ I answer ‘As long as you can answer one question for me.’
‘Ok, I’ll try says the voice on the phone.’
‘Is this Chuck Todd?’
‘Are you referring to Chief White House correspondent and political director for NBC news?’ asks the voice.
‘Yes that’s the one, are you him?’ I asked again.
‘No I'm not.’
‘Good because if you were this telephone call would be over, I think he is a total douche.’ I reply.
‘OK......., so, wev’e got that nailed down then.... As you know the deficit is pretty big and we were wondering if you had any suggestions on how to cut it down a little. To be even more specific can you think of any way that we can cut expenses at the Department Of Education, or just in the school system in general?
“ I can think of one place to save a few bucks.” I reply, “ It seems like every night I hear on the news how the little monsters aren’t eating healthy enough or aren’t eating the right things or they are getting too much sugar or salt or some such horse-shit. But have you seen the American kid? They look like me! They are fat and soft and over-fed if anything. I say fire all the food people, and then hire new ones that have the skills to wash an apple, hand out a milk, and slice up a carrot. I’d imagine you could fill those positions for minimum wage. Every day at lunch time every kid gets an apple, some carrot sticks, and a ½ pint of milk. If they want more then that they can bring it from home. If they don’t like apples, carrot sticks, and milk, then I guess they aren’t that fricking hungry are they? Now I know some people will bitch about it but honestly show me one fricking kid that is going to starve because he was away from home for 9 hrs and had to survive on a cold ½ pint of milk ,some carrot sticks and an apple, just show me one. As for that breakfast before school thing that’s the biggest bunch of horse shit I’ve ever heard of. I know some people will claim the kids are hungry and starving and everything else but the truth is I've never heard of one kid starving because it’s summer time.”
“One other change that I would make in the school system is that we don’t tolerate or put up with bad kids after the age of 12. No special schools, no alternate schedules, no in school suspension, no bullshit. If you can’t behave then you can’t come to school period. Government education should be a privilege that is dependent on behavior and desire just like private school. If one kid can’t behave why should we allow him or her to wreck it for everyone else. Also school shouldn’t be legally required after the age of 12, if they don’t want to be there then turn the monsters out! After the age of 12 the kids should be there because they want to be and the only discipline the school should need to meter out is sending the kids home, or to the streets, or somewhere else. It’s not the schools job to raise kids it’s their job to teach kids.”
“On the subject of teaching kids we need to redefine what needs to be taught, reading, writing, computer skills, history, English, a foreign language, math and science, math and science, math and science, and math and science. Why are we teaching girls to be cheerleaders and boys to play sports? Why are we teaching art, and music? These are all fine things to learn and to do but is it beneficial for out tax dollars to be used to teach them? If you want your kid to play football or be a cheerleader then by all means set up neighborhood teams and create booster clubs and do it all with money that doesn’t come from the Government coffers. Lets cut out the emotional Jenny wants to be home coming queen and Jared wants to be the quarter back on the football team. Who gives a shit? Every dollar dumped into the school system needs to show results by improving the skills in our labor force and giving these kids the skills to be the brightest, and command the largest salary of anyone else on the planet, and teaching the fat kid to play tuba in band just isn’t getting it done. We spend more and get less then any school on the fricking planet.”
“As for the teachers and teachers unions it seems obvious to me that this bullshit is completely out of control! Pay the teachers a competitive salary, give them the authority to throw out the bad kids and if they can’t get results then fire their asses. Why should they be treated any differently then any other hard working American. Also I would love to see more volunteers in the schools, especially from our senior citizens.”
“One other thing that I think we should work on phasing out in the next 3-4 years is text books. That seems to me to be one hell of a racket, 20-50 dollars a pop, and a new edition every few years for every book for every student? I think we could do a little better. How about kindles or netbooks or the Internet or something?”
after that rant I just paused to catch my breath....
“We appreciate your cooperation and will consider your suggestions in regard to our current fiscal crisis.” said the voice on the phone. “Do you have any other comments or suggestions you would like to voice at this time?”
“Na.... I’m good for now...”
Click...... dial tone....
‘Yes that’s the one, are you him?’ I asked again.
‘No I'm not.’
‘Good because if you were this telephone call would be over, I think he is a total douche.’ I reply.
‘OK......., so, wev’e got that nailed down then.... As you know the deficit is pretty big and we were wondering if you had any suggestions on how to cut it down a little. To be even more specific can you think of any way that we can cut expenses at the Department Of Education, or just in the school system in general?
“ I can think of one place to save a few bucks.” I reply, “ It seems like every night I hear on the news how the little monsters aren’t eating healthy enough or aren’t eating the right things or they are getting too much sugar or salt or some such horse-shit. But have you seen the American kid? They look like me! They are fat and soft and over-fed if anything. I say fire all the food people, and then hire new ones that have the skills to wash an apple, hand out a milk, and slice up a carrot. I’d imagine you could fill those positions for minimum wage. Every day at lunch time every kid gets an apple, some carrot sticks, and a ½ pint of milk. If they want more then that they can bring it from home. If they don’t like apples, carrot sticks, and milk, then I guess they aren’t that fricking hungry are they? Now I know some people will bitch about it but honestly show me one fricking kid that is going to starve because he was away from home for 9 hrs and had to survive on a cold ½ pint of milk ,some carrot sticks and an apple, just show me one. As for that breakfast before school thing that’s the biggest bunch of horse shit I’ve ever heard of. I know some people will claim the kids are hungry and starving and everything else but the truth is I've never heard of one kid starving because it’s summer time.”
“One other change that I would make in the school system is that we don’t tolerate or put up with bad kids after the age of 12. No special schools, no alternate schedules, no in school suspension, no bullshit. If you can’t behave then you can’t come to school period. Government education should be a privilege that is dependent on behavior and desire just like private school. If one kid can’t behave why should we allow him or her to wreck it for everyone else. Also school shouldn’t be legally required after the age of 12, if they don’t want to be there then turn the monsters out! After the age of 12 the kids should be there because they want to be and the only discipline the school should need to meter out is sending the kids home, or to the streets, or somewhere else. It’s not the schools job to raise kids it’s their job to teach kids.”
“On the subject of teaching kids we need to redefine what needs to be taught, reading, writing, computer skills, history, English, a foreign language, math and science, math and science, math and science, and math and science. Why are we teaching girls to be cheerleaders and boys to play sports? Why are we teaching art, and music? These are all fine things to learn and to do but is it beneficial for out tax dollars to be used to teach them? If you want your kid to play football or be a cheerleader then by all means set up neighborhood teams and create booster clubs and do it all with money that doesn’t come from the Government coffers. Lets cut out the emotional Jenny wants to be home coming queen and Jared wants to be the quarter back on the football team. Who gives a shit? Every dollar dumped into the school system needs to show results by improving the skills in our labor force and giving these kids the skills to be the brightest, and command the largest salary of anyone else on the planet, and teaching the fat kid to play tuba in band just isn’t getting it done. We spend more and get less then any school on the fricking planet.”
“As for the teachers and teachers unions it seems obvious to me that this bullshit is completely out of control! Pay the teachers a competitive salary, give them the authority to throw out the bad kids and if they can’t get results then fire their asses. Why should they be treated any differently then any other hard working American. Also I would love to see more volunteers in the schools, especially from our senior citizens.”
“One other thing that I think we should work on phasing out in the next 3-4 years is text books. That seems to me to be one hell of a racket, 20-50 dollars a pop, and a new edition every few years for every book for every student? I think we could do a little better. How about kindles or netbooks or the Internet or something?”
after that rant I just paused to catch my breath....
“We appreciate your cooperation and will consider your suggestions in regard to our current fiscal crisis.” said the voice on the phone. “Do you have any other comments or suggestions you would like to voice at this time?”
“Na.... I’m good for now...”
Click...... dial tone....
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